T.V. Americana

"You ain't my baby daddy, Bi-otch!"

I don't usually watch T.V., although I admit my viewing hours have gone up substantially since having a baby. I find it is a comforting noise at 4 in the morning when it's just me and Ro doing our nursing thing.

But given that my prime time is when most everyone else is in bed, my choices are limited. I am lucky on the nights I can find an old John Wayne western amid the infomercials and home shopping networks.

So, understand, I do not usually stop on trashy talk shows- but it was a desperate situation when I paused to watch the trashiest, talkiest, showiest of them all, Jerry Springer.

It wasn't the obese women in tube tops, the angry audience members shouting obscenities, nor the bemused grin on our host's smug face that caused me to stop and watch in awe. It was the title of that evening's program:

Pregnant Gals and a Mime!

I was intrigued. We do not often have the pleasure of seeing mimes in Southern Illinois. I wonder if it is some strange reverse correlation between the number of hunters and the number of mimes that can cohabitate the same locale (Southern Illinois: Lots of hunting, no mimes. New York: No hunting, lots of mimes. Hmmm...)

Anyway, the show went something like this:

Pregnant Gal: Mama, you just don't understand. I only married my deadbeat husband because you told me I couldn't be a lesbian. This is all your fault.

Mama: I love you, I love you, but if you keep sleeping with women then you're gonna make your baby gay.

Jerry: Let's bring out her husband, who has no idea why he got on a plane and flew from bum-fuck Idaho to be on our show , and see what he has to say about her sleeping with women while she's pregnant with his son.

Deadbeat Husband: You f*#king bitch! Why do you do this to me?

Pregnant Gal: You don't have a job and we're still living with my Mama!

Jerry: Let's bring out her trashy girlfriend and introduce her to Hubby!

Trashy Girlfriend: You don't know me! You don't know me! We're in love! This will be our love baby!

Deadbeat Husband: You bitch, you need to go to church and find Jesus.

Trashy Girlfriend: I went to church, and I found your wife!

Not unusual dialogue for the Springer show, but here is what made the show a little different. The entire time that this messed up family is screaming at each other, there is a mime standing behind them, acting everything out.

I couldn't help but enjoy it.